I wish I had a pound for every time I’ve been told that someone’s problem was self-discipline, either speaking of themselves or of, usually, a teenage child.
Once again you are keen to re-animate your earlier failed goals. Can you conjure up the illusive motivation and self-discipline to do it this time? Here’s the thing. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got. If nothing has changed, whether in your intention of method, since the last time you decided to get in shape, eat healthy, get up early, meditate every day, etc. then you will have the same success, the same result, as you did last time. Over the next few months, we shall add articles or blogs about what you need to know to eat well, exercise right etc. Though most of it, you probably already have a pretty good idea about. It is rarely a lack of knowledge that is the problem. I’ve known very overweight people who could tell you everything you ever wanted to know about good diet, why over the years they’ve read every book and magazine about diet. I’m not saying there isn’t nonsense written about diet and exercise, but with a bit of research you can find your way through the fads and bad science. No, the problem is how to generate that illusive motivation and self-discipline. The secret silver bullet; that one key ingredient that will make it all work for you.
I offer you some things for you to consider.
What motivates you? Do you have a clear and achievable target that excites and drives you? Without it you will give up at the first uphill slope. You have to create an image of the future you that excites you. Imagine a day in the life of the future you. Imagine how you will feel, what you will do, how you will look. Picture yourself doing something ordinary, something you do every day, (that’s easier to imagine) but you’re feeling so good as it’s the new you that’s doing it. Get this image so clear in your mind that it becomes an expectation, not a vague day dream. It needs to be something that is so firmly planted in your future, that you can’t wait. Like a present you’ve been told you will get at Christmas, a gift that your parents have already ordered, or perhaps you’ve seen the wrapped gift in the back of a wardrobe. You know you will get it without a doubt. Start feeling grateful. Re run this visualisation every day and get excited about it every day. This is very important, absolutely necessary. This will fuel your determination, this image of the future you will be the blueprint that you will build from. (Don’t visualise the new and improved you and feel disappointed and demoralised that it’s not how you are now. Unless you just want to continue feeling disappointed and demoralised)
Someone said to me yesterday that they were feeling bad about not doing some school work, they said that they were “just lazy I guess” and this was clearly affecting their self-esteem. The problem was their maths. They were required to just work through some difficult calculations, as far as they could see, just for the sake of it. They had no idea what these calculation processes could even be used for in the real world or even how knowing mathematics would benefit them in the future. It must have felt like being asked to work through the most boring puzzle with absolutely no reward at the end. People will do a pointless exercise if it is fun to do, but no one is motivated to do the utterly pointless if even the process itself is dull. He wasn’t lazy. He was unmotivated. What he needed was to understand first, how the calculation could be used in a real-world situation and second, how much he needed to be able to do maths in the career he ultimately wanted. He had to visualise himself doing the job, getting excited about it and realise that the maths would get him there. And just like that, he was motivated. This idea of needing an emotion to drive us to act will be a theme I’ll return to rather a lot.
Self-discipline. In Europe and some other areas of the world, we are hampered by a particular idea of self-discipline comes through the Roman church as a result of a poor translation. Bear with me and I’ll explain how this happens. The Greek (most common second language of southern Europe at the time following Alexander’s conquests) New Testament uses a word that we would read as ‘repent’. Its roots are the word metamorphosis and ordinarily implies a complete change, like caterpillar into a butterfly. This word was often used to mean a total change of direction, to stop and go the other way. However, a Latin translation (probably written by someone brought up with a Roman pagan mindset) renders this word “to do penance” and carries the idea of self-punishment to make up for previous wrongs. The idea emerges that to repent, or change from behaviour you wish to stop and begin behaving differently, requires some sort of self-punishment, essentially beating yourself up for being bad. When people think about self-discipline therefore, they are liable to unconsciously see it as being hard on themselves, denying themselves something they’d like. The problem is then one of motivation. Unless you think such behaviour will keep you out of a terrifying Hell, where is the motivation to come from?
Let me offer a different view. In the energy centre meditations, (Advanced students will be familiar with this) self-discipline or self-control is associated with the Solar Plexus, a golden energy that is principally about loving or valuing yourself. It’s very easy to be disciplined about something you love. In fact, you won’t even think of it as discipline. When someone really loves their car, they keep it immaculate. When they clean it, they don’t think of it as a discipline because they don’t have to make themselves do it. If you love a sport or an exercise or a particular food it hardly seems like a discipline for you to practice it. You might have to make yourself get on with that pointless, boring report, but it’s hardly a discipline to read that novel till two in the morning (you can substitute a computer game if that’s your thing) in fact you might have to discipline yourself to stop doing so. So, can you see that it’s about love? When you love something, it will be easy for you to do good things for the object of your love. If you will happily spend a couple of hours cleaning, polishing and maintaining your car, being very particular about only using the best fuel and oil, but you won’t do ten minutes exercise and will happily fuel your body with toxic junk, your problem is not discipline. Your problem is that you don’t love yourself enough!
Think of the thing that you most hate about yourself. Now ask yourself the question, if my child had this same trait would I stop loving them, or would I love them in spite of it. Learn to be gracious to yourself. Give yourself the same consideration, the same forbearance, as you give those you love. I have seen people who appear to hate their own bodies (judging by the way they treat it) but will be lavish with their care for a stray dog in terrible condition from mistreatment. If you are in terrible condition, look at yourself like a stray dog that has been mistreated. Have some sympathy for yourself and out of love, start to take care of yourself, cherish yourself and make it your new project to get you back to good health. Everything you want to change about the world around you, starts at the very centre of your world. You. Start loving yourself and then your capacity for love can grow outwards.
Stop punishing yourself and start loving yourself.
